The fundamentals on how to date a Chinese girl

I am writing this post to those who are genuinely interested in learning more about the people from China and who are aspired to have a healthy relationship with a Chinese girl. 

No offense, but if you are one of those who has a blank map on your wall for you to paint each country after you dated someone from there, I suggest you stop reading this post immediately. You probably don’t need these to fulfill your goal anyway, and I am sure whoever decides to date you has nothing to do with the mentality or the culture I am trying to portray here. 

1)      Take initiatives but don’t be aggressive

Not that none of us knows how to take initiatives (I myself is a good example of an initiator) but I know most Chinese girls don’t, especially in terms of dating. So if you like a Chinese girl and want to get to know her more, TALK TO HER FIRST. And if she responds in a delightful way (or in some cases responds at all!), it usually means something positive.

But be very careful not to get too aggressive in the beginning. Although many of us are very active and expressive when we really get to know someone, it would be overwhelmingly intimidating if you get too far ahead of yourself. Just be mindful that depending on her original city (east, west, coastal, non-coastal) and years living aboard, Chinese girls may exhibit very different levels of tolerance in terms of touching, hugging, or even flirting.

2)      Take it slow and be persistent

That’s why taking it slow is very important. Many Chinese girls have evolved a lot (including myself) after coming to the US (or other Western countries), but given how we were raised up and the culture embedded in our blood we are subtle with our feelings and how we express them. And chances are even the most active and outgoing Chinese girls may behave surprisingly shy, embarrassed, and vulnerable in front of those they actually have a feeling for.

In the US everything happens very fast. It is either a Yes or a No, and most American guys don’t seem to give too much time for you to think before they move on to someone else. This is obviously very efficient but I believe this prevailing culture is largely due to the fact that most American girls are more independent, self-sufficient, aggressive, and don’t seem to need too much time to think to themselves before making such a decision anyway.

However, in the case of Chinese girls and probably only in the case of Chinese girls, being persistent is not a bad thing and many times they EXPECT you to be persistent. Many Chinese girls will not agree to go out with you when you ask it for the first time, though they are already quite attracted to you actually. And if you simply move on like most Americans would do, the Chinese girls will be very confused and think to themselves: how come this guy never asks me a second time?! I thought he’s into me! 

3)      Clarify your own intentions and understand their emotional vulnerability

This may sound like something quite opposite from what we discussed in the second point, but this is crucial in terms of understanding the dating culture and mentality of Chinese girls. I only realized recently that a lot of Chinese girls, regardless of background, education and location, have the same problem of falling for someone too fast. And this pattern persists repeatedly regardless of physical attractiveness and dating experience.

It doesn’t mean they will say yes to you the first time you ask them out, but it DOES mean once they decide to go out with you, they might easily develop strong feelings for you, become more and more demanding, and desperately want to commit and wish you would do the same to the degree that you might be scared away. I am not even kidding.

SO MY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS: if you want to date a Chinese girl, and you are not sure where this is going, you need to communicate effectively how you feel about the situation (the worst thing you can do is to pretend to be serious while you only want a fling, and I will not be surprised if the Chinese girl decides to hate you for the rest of her life). Also, take the responsibility to help the Chinese girl to face their emotional dependence and vulnerability. 

And if you don’t do that, you will probably be miserable because it is guaranteed that they will give you a lot of pressure just because they simply devote so much of themselves to this relationship. 

~~~~~ 

I believe these are the three FUNDAMENTAL aspects you would like to consider when dating a Chinese girl. I will write more on practical tips later! 

What is YOUR experience dating a Chinese? Let me know what you think!

 

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. meethotasiangirl
    Aug 27, 2011 @ 11:08:00

    Right after studying your blog post, I think it is great. Not only the great design, but the valuable content which benefit us significantly. Excellent Job!

    Reply

  2. Misbah Afridi
    May 24, 2012 @ 04:49:08

    Hey, I like this chinese girl and i have taken her out 1s but I do chill with her every now and then because she stays near my house.

    She likes to spend time with me and talking to me but I just don’t know because I don’t understand what she wants.

    I like her lots but she’s always tellin me I’m her friend.

    But when i first strtd talkin to her on the phone, she was tellin me how she wants to get married and be a house wife…..

    I like her alot but I’m confused…..

    Reply

  3. Jacko
    Oct 29, 2012 @ 00:57:15

    Suddenly I am in very deep, over my head, because I went looking for contacts on QQ International. Now, 7 months later I have a woman from Guangzhou and I make plans to get married in China. We communicate via tranlsation!

    Reply

  4. Dan
    Jan 05, 2013 @ 04:47:30

    bang on . good words of advice . and to hell with foreign guys lying to lovely chinese girls just to have a fling .

    Reply

  5. Riccardo
    Mar 11, 2013 @ 18:12:10

    Your article seems very interesting and I wanted to just ask you some advice.
    First of all I am an Italian boy of 35 years old and i used to go in a Chinese restaurant. After several months I have noticed that a waitress was very nice and always wanted to talk when I was there at the table and then on the pretext (partly true) to learn its language, I asked her if she wanted to teach me Chinese. She immediately gave me his telephone number and so two days later we went out for coffee in the center. By the way she is 21 years old. In short I’m already out three times with her and we talked a lot about what we like, our expectations of how it should be our ideal boy / girl (having several points in common) and in short we had a great time together having fun and laughing a lot. Now I am a fairly shy and reserved, I do not have much experience with girls, i speak mainly in English with her which I do not know very well then the dialogue between us are very slow. My question is very simple: small steps or must continue to move in a more direct way, since my only fear of being classified as a friend and nothing else. I’m still learning the Chinese a little at a time by putting all the effort I am capable of.

    Reply

  6. Riccardo
    Mar 14, 2013 @ 13:51:58

    Waiting for your answer I met her again.
    Speaking of more or less I asked if she can take an Italian boy as his boyfriend and then she said: Absolutely not, because my parents I want to see me married with a Chinese boy because they want to live in their communities and age living in the same house where I live with my husband. Now understand that are still pretty bad news for me and she then proposed to give me a dating site where to look Chinese girls finishing with you are a good man. I think I’ve definitely cut off all future possibility. At this point I have no idea how to behave:
    1 – I continue as if nothing had continued more calmly
    2 – Cut all contact
    3 – I ask she to let me know of friends
    However before that unfortunate phrase she told me that after work often she went out alone in a pub for a drink and then just before she get out of my car I have hoever asked if she wanted to go out for an evening drink and she said maybe Sunday if she felt like it. Who knows ..

    Reply

  7. Brenno
    May 01, 2013 @ 13:04:26

    Eu gostei bastante disso!

    Reply

  8. stu
    Jul 24, 2013 @ 16:05:01

    thanks. I very much enjoyed what you wrote here. Maybe you can help me with this: Today I met this girl. A new ‘Chinese supermarket’ opened up on my street and I went there to ask if they were employing ‘locals’, often they do here. So I met this girl, she was very nice with me, she said they needed people to work there and she asked me to leave my name and phone so that her boss could get back to me later. The problem here is: I don’t speak Mandarin, she doesn’t speak English (just the bare minimum). I have been in China before, stayed there for 3 months. But that’s besides the point, the fact is that I know for a fact that the cultural differences we have are an issue, the language barrier is an issue. And that she would never ever accept an invitation to go anywhere with me, not even for a little walk in the public botanical garden that stands right in front of the shop. So, ok, I won’t push it. But at least it would be good to have a friendship. I mean, nothing wrong with that or is it? Probably this girl has just come right from rural china into a western country’s capital town – I know she did, she told me that – and probably she is suspicious of people here. And she is right. There is a lot of racism and disrespect for Chinese people around here. OK then, tell me a straight simple tip, like, is it ok to offer her small gifts?, You know, like, suppose a person feels a degree of empathy for another person that happens to work at the same street you live, can I come by sometimes and say Hello? Can I bring something, I mean, just a little thing, nothing much, a book, flowers, will she be scared because of that? Is there something I should avoid saying or doing?

    Reply

  9. Li
    Aug 06, 2013 @ 07:06:59

    I think u r sooooo right. awesome blog post!

    Reply

  10. Drew
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 05:55:00

    Very interesting article. I have recently started communicating with Chinese women through a match web site. It is not easy, a lot of them have contacted me. A lot say that they are afraid and that most of the time they meet liars and such. And if I am not serious then to leave them alone. This is only after a 4 or 5 emails. I want to get to know them. But this can not be done in a couple of emails. In one instance, I responded that I found her attractive and that we need to explore our inner self, to see if there could be more. I do mot want to leave anyone in pain, but must certainly find my sole mate.

    Reply

  11. jp
    Sep 10, 2013 @ 08:14:27

    Anyone entertaining thoughts of a serious relationship with a Chinese woman needs to buy 2 english -chinese dictionaries..

    Reply

  12. Ibrahem Khalil
    Sep 10, 2013 @ 08:53:08

    Good post.. But unfortunately I read it so late😦 …

    Reply

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